fire   ❁   heart
December 25, 2016
filed under: Inspirational

I’ve been outcast, I’ve been made fun of and I’ve been bullied, I’ve been betrayed and stabbed in the back. Too many times in a considerably short life.

And I’ve been dead.

I’ve been down with deep depression, I’ve been so low I couldn’t reach out because I didn’t think anyone would see me. I’ve been told I was announcing my suicide and still I wouldn’t get myself out of where I was. I thought it just wasn’t worth it. There was no light for me, I was literally going blind for taking too much medication. Obviously not because I needed it, but because I had given up on myself. That was my so-called life. All of this took me years, I wasted over a decade of my life fighting myself. I was never enough… and I was always too much. Not enough for the world and too much for myself. I was so lost I stopped looking for a way out. There was none. I was trapped in my own mind. Depression is a bitch. It makes you believe all is darkness and death. I dreamed about darkness. I made fairytales out of death. It was beautiful… except it wasn’t. There is nothing beautiful about thinking that life is death. There is nothing beautiful about just existing because you don’t have guts to take your own life so you’re slowly killing yourself and pretending you’re dead while you’re still breathing.

I thought that was it. I had sealed my destiny—demise.

Then the light came. Out of nowhere, it was there. Not too bright, perhaps, but it was more than enough for someone who had been existing in rock bottom for far too long. I can’t tell exactly where it came from and at that point it didn’t really matter. It was there. Hope. Something was telling me that that wasn’t it– I wasn’t it. There was more. Oh, so much more…

Later on, I realized that small sparkle was me. My inner child who still cared about my well-being. She was resurfacing from the depths of my damaged black soul to let me know I was important and valuable. Even if the world wouldn’t see that. She was telling me not to give up just yet, there was still a lot of work to be done. “You have a great beautiful heart, that’s rare in a world like this. And that’s both the reason why you’re left out and the reason why you’ve come here for.”
I had given up on her long ago, but she hadn’t given up on me. And I loved her for that. I appreciated that so much I got back on my own two feet again.

That’s why I’m standing here, now. I want to be that sparkle for someone. I want to inspire people. I want people to tell me they didn’t give up because I helped them see that they, too, are important and valuable. They, too, have big beautiful hearts and so much love to give and that can never ever go to waste. Not in this world. I want to be there for others because I know what it’s like to not have anyone there for me, not even myself. I want people to keep not fighting themselves, but for themselves.

Because life is anything but easy. Life is supposed to be challenging. But we don’t have to be too hard on ourselves. We don’t always have to get it right. We are allowed our mistakes. We just have to give ourselves love and understanding just as much as we do others. We have to forgive ourselves. We have to nurture and respect ourselves. If you feel offended, stand up for yourself. If you’re betrayed, set boundaries and cut chords. If you feel like you don’t belong or aren’t appreciated, go somewhere else where you are welcomed and loved. If someone can’t love you like you deserve, don’t give them the power to dim your light and control your emotions. You are the love you need. Be proud to be who you are. Love yourself for being you. That’s where you make a difference. No one else has the power of being you. So you might as well not give the world the power to shut down your heart and mold you to whatever it sees fit. You are supposed to be enough for yourself and too much for the world.

Believe in yourself. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start over. Because when you rise again, you will not only fly… You will soar.

This entry was posted on Sunday, December 25th, 2016 at 1:42 pm and is filed under Inspirational. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.