“…So make the best of this test
And don’t ask why
It’s not a question
But a lesson learned in time
For what it’s worth
It was worth all the while
It’s something unpredictable
But in the end it’s right
I hope you had the time of your life.”
I learned to be grateful everyday of my life. I really am a blessed person. And up until recently, I wasn’t aware of that. Up until not that long ago, I thought it was the total opposite.
Therefore, here goes my last gratitude note this year:
I am thankful for all the shit in 30 years of my life. That is my current age, and there wasn’t a single whole year during my entire life where I had the chance to be myself, in my authenticity and happy with who I am. This changed this year. I can finally say I am happy. All the “shit” was worth it — every single bit of it. It has brought me here. I am grateful for all the tears shed for days on end throughout this year, for all the physical pain I experienced, for the feeling of complete identity loss, for the darkness that came over me for months, for the abyss I saw myself in. I am grateful to be standing, safe and sound and as the best version of myself — the real version of myself. Now I can not just get on with my life, but actually get it started. And now I can do what I was actually born to do: inspire and help others.
This time around, nothing and no one is going to stop me.
“You have to die a few times before you can really live.” – Charles Bukowski
“Sólo quiero cinco cosas…
Una es el amor sin fin.
Lo segundo es ver el otoño.
No puedo ser sin que las hojas
vuelen y vuelvan a la tierra.
Lo tercero es el grave invierno.
La lluvia que amé, la caricia
del fuego en el frío silvestre.
En cuarto lugar el verano,
redondo como una sandía.
La quinta cosa son tus ojos.
No quiero dormir sin tus ojos,
no quiero ser sin que me mires.
Yo cambio la primavera
por que tú me sigas mirando.”
— Pablo Neruda
I’ve been outcast, I’ve been made fun of and I’ve been bullied, I’ve been betrayed and stabbed in the back. Too many times in a considerably short life.
And I’ve been dead.
I’ve been down with deep depression, I’ve been so low I couldn’t reach out because I didn’t think anyone would see me. I’ve been told I was announcing my suicide and still I wouldn’t get myself out of where I was. I thought it just wasn’t worth it. There was no light for me, I was literally going blind for taking too much medication. Obviously not because I needed it, but because I had given up on myself. That was my so-called life. All of this took me years, I wasted over a decade of my life fighting myself. I was never enough… and I was always too much. Not enough for the world and too much for myself. I was so lost I stopped looking for a way out. There was none. I was trapped in my own mind. Depression is a bitch. It makes you believe all is darkness and death. I dreamed about darkness. I made fairytales out of death. It was beautiful… except it wasn’t. There is nothing beautiful about thinking that life is death. There is nothing beautiful about just existing because you don’t have guts to take your own life so you’re slowly killing yourself and pretending you’re dead while you’re still breathing.
I thought that was it. I had sealed my destiny—demise.
Then the light came. Out of nowhere, it was there. Not too bright, perhaps, but it was more than enough for someone who had been existing in rock bottom for far too long. I can’t tell exactly where it came from and at that point it didn’t really matter. It was there. Hope. Something was telling me that that wasn’t it– I wasn’t it. There was more. Oh, so much more…
Later on, I realized that small sparkle was me. My inner child who still cared about my well-being. She was resurfacing from the depths of my damaged black soul to let me know I was important and valuable. Even if the world wouldn’t see that. She was telling me not to give up just yet, there was still a lot of work to be done. “You have a great beautiful heart, that’s rare in a world like this. And that’s both the reason why you’re left out and the reason why you’ve come here for.”
I had given up on her long ago, but she hadn’t given up on me. And I loved her for that. I appreciated that so much I got back on my own two feet again.
That’s why I’m standing here, now. I want to be that sparkle for someone. I want to inspire people. I want people to tell me they didn’t give up because I helped them see that they, too, are important and valuable. They, too, have big beautiful hearts and so much love to give and that can never ever go to waste. Not in this world. I want to be there for others because I know what it’s like to not have anyone there for me, not even myself. I want people to keep not fighting themselves, but for themselves.
Because life is anything but easy. Life is supposed to be challenging. But we don’t have to be too hard on ourselves. We don’t always have to get it right. We are allowed our mistakes. We just have to give ourselves love and understanding just as much as we do others. We have to forgive ourselves. We have to nurture and respect ourselves. If you feel offended, stand up for yourself. If you’re betrayed, set boundaries and cut chords. If you feel like you don’t belong or aren’t appreciated, go somewhere else where you are welcomed and loved. If someone can’t love you like you deserve, don’t give them the power to dim your light and control your emotions. You are the love you need. Be proud to be who you are. Love yourself for being you. That’s where you make a difference. No one else has the power of being you. So you might as well not give the world the power to shut down your heart and mold you to whatever it sees fit. You are supposed to be enough for yourself and too much for the world.
Believe in yourself. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start over. Because when you rise again, you will not only fly… You will soar.
This just might be my new favorite song. Although I’ve known it for years, I can relate to it so much now…
Now that she’s back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there’s a time to change
Since the return of her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June
But tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the milky way
To see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated
Tell me, did you fall from a shooting star?
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me
While you were looking for yourself out there
Now that she’s back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation
She checks out Mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there’s room to grow
Now that she’s back in the atmosphere
I’m afraid that she might think of me as
Plain old Jane told a story about a man
Who was too afraid to fly so he never did land…
I took a leap of faith
I left behind all that was known
And stepped into the unknown
In the name of love
Only to be able to meet you
And become whole within myself
Que tus ojos
No salgan de mi alma
Today I want to talk about your eyes
The way they fuel me with deep passion
The way they can see right through my soul
The way we hardly need words to express anything
Because when our eyes meet, we understand everything
The universe lies between our gaze
When you look at me, you set me ablaze
My foundations are no longer anywhere to be found
I see you, I feel you, I know you
Every bit of you
As you do me
You know me more than anyone on Earth
You know me more than my own self
Just by the way you stare at me
Your eyes strip me naked
From my head to my toes
And my heart and my soul
Your eyes are and will always be
My only truth and my only cure
Now I want to talk about your soul
The way it is the same as mine
The way they intertwine
The way they dance while our eyes inflame
Your soul is and will always be
My only sanctuary and my only home
And at last, I want to talk about you and me
Because it’s all that is
And all that will ever be
For now and all eternity